Where is God’s Heart when my Mom-Heart Breaks?

Winter is almost over, and I am full of expectancy. I am scanning my flowerbed for any signs of life as I planted a hundred tulips last fall. Over the winter months I often stared at the ground and wondered how they are doing. Are they alive and well? Or frozen to death? The temptation to just dig them up and have a look is strong. Seriously, what is the purpose of winter? The purpose of hiddenness and the season of waiting? The times in our life when all dreams and hope seem to have died.

What do you do when all the truth you ever learned about God and about life doesn’t feel true anymore?

It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I had a neat plan…Second pregnancy, no complications, quick delivery, three days later off to home, live happily ever after.  Then the proverbial tornado hit out of nowhere.  Nothing went according to plan, and we found ourselves in a life we never expected. For the next 8 months the hospital was our new home…the nurses our new family…the hand sanitizer my constant companion…anxiety my new normal.

I found myself underground and it felt like winter. It was pitch black…there was no light at the end of the tunnel. Heck, there wasn’t even a tunnel in sight! What do you do when all the truth you ever learned about God and about life doesn’t feel true any more?

That first year ended up being a year of many emergencies for our baby daughter with long stays in intensive care.  But it was also a year of miracle after miracle, unbelievable breakthroughs in impossible situations and an intense discipleship in my faith walk that I would not have missed for the world.

10 years on the intensity of that first year is a distant memory, but there are other long term challenges: special diets, special needs, ADHD, medications and the obvious signs of how that initial trauma has left its mark on us all, but especially on my two daughters. The older one lost me for 8 months while my younger one was trying to survive for 8 months in hospital. Some days all I have the strength for is to cry out, “How long Lord? Haven’t they struggled enough?”

Just because you don’t see it, it doesn’t mean that your roots are not growing deeper and stronger.

My mind wonders back to the tulip bulbs. The Gardener knows that they have to be broken and they need cold exposure before beauty can ever emerge. I still hate the breaking, but I love the beauty that is flowing out of it and the fragrance that is so precious. This miracle daughter is just something else…overflowing joy, laughter, she worships all day long, sings her heart out to the Lord. At 10 years of age she is already a true worshipper at heart. The energy and zeal for life is just through the roof. Her hunger to learn, to grow and to succeed in life is an example to all. Her emotional intelligence far surpasses her age. I see so much beauty if I choose to focus on that.

So on the days I struggle with how life is, I know the drill by now: I find a quiet spot or just go for a walk with Jesus. I pour out my heart to God as it is. I cry like I never cried before. I hold nothing back. And after a while the Lord whispers back…Be still and know…I am working in the darkness, just trust me, I am writing your story. I am the Gardener and I know the purpose of winter. Just because you don’t see it, it doesn’t mean that your roots are not growing deeper and stronger. You don’t need to understand everything. Come to me when you are weary…and I will give you rest.

As for my daughter, there are always the good days and the bad.  On the days she is struggling with how life is for her…we find a quiet spot, we sit down on the couch, we snuggle and I lead her to Jesus. She also knows the drill by now…cry as long as you need to. Some days that is all she can do. Then she tells Jesus how she feels – the good, the bad and the ugly. She holds nothing back. No masks, no lies, no faking it, no medicating it with false comforts. Some days she shares about her day in school and how everyone is making her feel like she is just not good enough, so I help her to process. Some days I can see there is deep pain as the lies try to take hold, so we talk about how Jesus wants her to learn to love herself even in the deep places where she feels shame and hate. I pray over her. I break the lies of the enemy that are trying to take root in her heart. I speak life and purpose into her identity and destiny. She then wipes her tears, gives me a kiss, and runs about her day like we just had a tea party.

After all, we are all His children with special needs, and He is the best therapist and healer of our hearts.

I used to think that my role as a mother was to protect my kids from any suffering, pain or trauma. And of course, as someone in full time counselling ministry I thought I had every tool and knowledge to do that. My kids would be the faces of how to raise perfectly put together children! It was a very bitter pill to swallow, that the reality of this life is very different. We all have an enemy, who is out there to kill, steal and destroy and that includes our children and our family units.  I learned that the best thing I can do for my kids it to coach them to connect to their emotions and then connect to their Heavenly Father. But I can only do that well, if I lead by example. As I have been walking the journey of connecting to my heart and then connecting to God’s heart, I am better equipped to lead my children to the One, who is the source of everything we need. As I am coming to terms with my own traumas, the Lord is giving me key after key regarding my children. So we are walking this healing journey hand-in-hand, walking out of trauma hand-in-hand, learning to daily connect to the Father hand-in-hand. After all we are all His children with special needs and He is the best therapist and healer of our hearts.

A few days later I notice that the tips of the tulips appeared. Spring has arrived. The Gardener was right. He proved once again that He can be trusted. Beauty is emerging and the fragrance of spring is filling the air. My heart is overwhelmed with gratitude and joy. The Lord is good. It’s all good.